1 00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:02,703 Anybody else moves, they're dead. 2 00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:04,172 You, fill it up, just the bills. 3 00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:07,175 CHRIS ROCK: When I was growing up, crime was always on the move. 4 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,477 The rest of you tellers move away from those windows. 5 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:14,082 It went from crime on TV to crime in the city... 6 00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,216 to crime in our house. 7 00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:16,250 So what's missing? 8 00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:17,451 The television. 9 00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:20,421 To my parents and the police, the house got robbed... 10 00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,822 To Drew and Tonya, 11 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:22,990 the TV got kidnapped. 12 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,393 Here, I sketched something for you to give to the FBI. 13 00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:29,463 It was a 19-inch RCA, serial number 1993IH. 14 00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,299 Do you think you can get it back? 15 00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:33,367 We'll try. What else? 16 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,536 Well, we're still trying to figure it out, 17 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:38,206 but they took the stereo, all of our records 18 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:41,442 including my autographed James Brown The Payback album. 19 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:42,743 Ooh, that's a collector's item. 20 00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:43,744 It's worth some money. 21 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,379 They took my meat! What? 22 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:48,316 All of it. Steaks, hamburgers, hot dogs, 23 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:49,517 bologna. 24 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,085 If they had stole that stuff earlier 25 00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:52,353 maybe he wouldn't have the gout. 26 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,621 Can you find out who did this? 27 00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,756 Doubtful. There's a lot of crime. 28 00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:58,292 Aren't you going to dust the place for fingerprints, 29 00:00:58,326 --> 00:01:00,394 you know, canvas the neighborhood for witnesses, 30 00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,629 check with your snitches, 31 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,431 put your ears to the street, something? 32 00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,666 Lady, my shift ends in six minutes. 33 00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,701 Fill out this report. 34 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,403 And that's it? That's it. 35 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:10,704 So you're not going to help us at all? 36 00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,740 No, but we're here to comfort you. 37 00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:14,708 Forget this. I'm getting a gun. 38 00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:18,679 Julius, do you know what would happen if we got a gun? 39 00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:21,182 Who ate the big piece of chicken? 40 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,286 You 41 00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:31,459 Who left the damn toilet seat up 42 00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:36,230 Who ate all the cereal? 43 00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:41,435 I will blow your freakin' head off! 44 00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:43,437 I think we should get a dog. 45 00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:44,705 I'd always wanted a dog. 46 00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,440 My parents always said no. 47 00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:48,742 But maybe the robbery would make them change their mind. 48 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,912 For the umpteenth time, Chris, we are not getting a dog. 49 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,382 Wishful thinking. 50 00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,617 The kid's right. If you really want to protect the house, 51 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,486 a guard dog is the best way to go. 52 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,525 I don't think he likes you, Dad. 53 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:05,526 He better like me. 54 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:08,429 I paid $35 to have him vaccinated and neutered. 55 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,930 Now we know why he's growling. 56 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,732 Can we name him? 57 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,301 He already has a name. 58 00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:15,236 Blackie. 59 00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,504 But he's brown. 60 00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,639 You black and you brown. 61 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,308 Well, I want to give him a bath. 62 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,510 Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. 63 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:25,379 This dog needs to be trained to protect this house. 64 00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:26,447 And since it was Chris' idea, 65 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,650 it's his responsibility to feed him, bathe him, 66 00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:32,620 walk him and clean up his mess. 67 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,555 She always said she ain't raising no babies. 68 00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:39,627 Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION 69 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,624 CHRIS ROCK: Getting my first dog 70 00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,626 was like getting a whole new lease on life. 71 00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:15,329 I guess you could say it was like having a new friend. 72 00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:16,364 Hey, li'l dude, 73 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,232 let me hold a dollar. 74 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,504 Thanks. 75 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:25,673 Go get my dollar. 76 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:33,647 A friend with benefits. 77 00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:34,882 Yeah. 78 00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:37,485 Training Blackie was going to be fun. 79 00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:38,819 I figured I'd start with the basics. 80 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:41,722 Come here. Come here. 81 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,424 Jump. 82 00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:46,560 Jump. J... jump. 83 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:49,730 Speak, like... arf. 84 00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,399 Uh... 85 00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:52,733 Roll over. 86 00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,868 Like... 87 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,271 Roll... 88 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,507 Roll over. 89 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,675 I tried monkey see, monkey do, 90 00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,277 which is useless with a dog. 91 00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:08,749 Hey, I made a complete list of what's missing. 92 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,951 You didn't put a dishwasher on here. 93 00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,320 We don't have a dishwasher. 94 00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:13,821 We will if they find one. 95 00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,423 I'm calling the insurance company. 96 00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:17,558 No, no, no, I don't want my premiums going up. 97 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,660 Insurance is just for emergencies. 98 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,829 Well, Julius, isn't this an emergency? 99 00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:24,064 They took the meat. They took the TV. 100 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,833 They took my James Brown album. 101 00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,901 I mean, the only way they could take something else 102 00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,337 is if they brought something back. 103 00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,905 Look, just let me look around the neighborhood 104 00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:33,774 for our stuff first. 105 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,609 Whoever did this can't be that far away. 106 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,077 Well, how do you know that? 107 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,779 Who comes to Bed 108 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:39,913 Crackheads, bowling ballhead. 109 00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,383 You go ahead and look around. 110 00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:45,753 In the meantime, I'm putting this place on lockdown. 111 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,020 Because the TV was stolen, 112 00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:49,623 Drew and Tonya tried to get their fix any place they could. 113 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:52,793 Captain Kangaroo is so funny. 114 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,663 I'm calling the cops, you peeping Toms. 115 00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:56,897 Get out of here! 116 00:04:58,999 --> 00:04:59,967 A dog. 117 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,469 That's so cool. 118 00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:03,771 Yeah, but I can't get him to do anything. 119 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:09,042 Here's a couple of books on dog training. 120 00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,712 You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker? 121 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,547 I got lots of stuff in here. 122 00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:14,682 Let's see... 123 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:17,685 Got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog 124 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,587 to fine crystal, mostly Lalique, 125 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,855 How to Fly a Helicopter, 126 00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,724 The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, 127 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,793 a Gutenberg Bible... 128 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:28,662 and a street guide to Baghdad. 129 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:29,963 You never know. 130 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,500 That guidebook lists a lot more streets 131 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,001 than they have left in Baghdad now. 132 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,202 Well, thanks. These should help. 133 00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:37,971 Remember, you should be the only one bonding with the dog. 134 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:38,972 Why? 135 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,508 To be a good watchdog, 136 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,810 he has to report to one master. 137 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,878 Otherwise, he may befriend the bad guys. 138 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,147 I was going to have to do what Greg said. 139 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,418 Even though being master to something named Blackie 140 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:53,987 seemed like a bad idea. 141 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:58,025 At home, my mother installed a ghetto alarm system. 142 00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,660 Hey, Ms. Rochelle. 143 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,061 What's going on? 144 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,763 We got robbed. 145 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,064 You got robbed 146 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,132 Two nights ago. 147 00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:07,000 Where were you? I was at home. 148 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,702 Didn't you hear anything? 149 00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,604 Oh, no, I was busy. 150 00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,139 Well, they cleaned out half the house. 151 00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:14,442 Well, the important thing is you got your health. 152 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,577 Material things don't matter. 153 00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,812 'Cause after all, you can't take it with you. 154 00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:20,748 That's 'cause they took it all with them. 155 00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:21,782 The next person 156 00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:22,583 that walks through this door 157 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,852 is gonna hear bells a-jingling. 158 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,787 Jingling bells. 159 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:31,525 Let me show you something over there, okay? 160 00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:35,696 Well, see, if anybody tried to get through the window... 161 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,599 Huh 162 00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,601 Blocked by a broomstick. 163 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,869 But do you really think they'd try 164 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,504 to come through a second 165 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:44,772 People can see them from the street. 166 00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,774 Well, if they do, they can't get in. 167 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,742 Oh, and we got a guard dog. 168 00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:50,010 So if anybody comes in this house, 169 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,612 they gonna leave in a casket. 170 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,914 Casket-- now that's the type of talk I like to hear. 171 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,215 Well, I'll keep my ears open. 172 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,216 And your doors locked. 173 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,785 All right, see you now. 174 00:06:57,818 --> 00:06:59,152 Hey, Mr. Omar. Hey, how y'all doing? 175 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:01,655 Hey, Ma, can me and Drew play with Blackie? 176 00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:03,090 No, baby, he's a guard dog, not a pet. 177 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,626 DREW: What are we supposed to do? 178 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,761 We don't have a TV. We're bored. 179 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,197 I don't know. Maybe read a book. 180 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:13,200 Reading? Now that's positive. 181 00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,569 Tonya and Drew couldn't watch TV, 182 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,771 but that didn't stop them from reading it. 183 00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:18,872 Check this out. 184 00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,708 "Matlock at 4:00. 185 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,109 "When Nashville star Dolly Parton 186 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,144 get arrested for murder, she turns to Ben Matlock." 187 00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:25,178 Look at this: 188 00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,247 Moses Gunn is going to be on The Jeffersons. 189 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,650 Did you know Little House on the Prairie 190 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,852 was closed captioned for the hearing 191 00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:35,489 Stephanie Mills is going to be on Captain Kangaroo. 192 00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:37,958 Meanwhile, my father tried to get clues from the clueless. 193 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:38,892 Look, I want information, 194 00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,128 and word on the street is that you got some. 195 00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,497 Where'd you hear that from? Radio or something, man? 196 00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:44,965 Ain't got no damn TV, so I heard. 197 00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:47,668 Maybe you should talk to Mr. Lincoln. 198 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:50,704 A penny? 199 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,640 You can keep your penny, man. 200 00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,007 I don't know nothing, man. 201 00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:55,843 I haven't heard anything. No one's told me anything. 202 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,811 Zero. Hey, hey, hey, you sure? 203 00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:00,213 I mean, maybe you want to talk to Mr. Roosevelt, too. 204 00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:04,718 Know what? I would love to talk to Mr. Roosevelt. 205 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:05,886 Yes, Mr. President. 206 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,722 Yeah, Julius is standing right here. 207 00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:10,023 Yeah, yeah. 208 00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,559 He ain't got enough money. 209 00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:13,060 No, he's really short of money. 210 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,728 Yeah, he's still standing here. 211 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:15,929 I will tell him, Mr. President. 212 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,865 Okay, okay, I'll tell him. Bye-bye. 213 00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:20,868 Um, he says to go talk to Kill Moves 214 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,036 'cause Kill Moves has his ear to the street. 215 00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:25,873 What do you hear, Kill Moves? 216 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:28,008 Four riders... two on ponies. 217 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:30,143 No, about my place getting robbed. 218 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,846 I ain't hear anything about that. 219 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,148 But don't say I didn't warn you about the coming Indian attack. 220 00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,721 My father couldn't get our TV back, 221 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,022 and now he'd lost his chair. 222 00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,791 What are these things? 223 00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:45,025 They're sporks. 224 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,159 Aren't they great? 225 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,261 You can eat a soup or a steak without changing hands. 226 00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,030 ROCHELLE: Julius, I can't take this anymore. 227 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,999 I feel like I'm tasting paper plate. 228 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,901 I'm calling the insurance company. 229 00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:55,903 No, no, look, look, I already got some of our stuff back. 230 00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,608 This is not our stuff. 231 00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:01,842 It's still a great picture. 232 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,110 Dad, they're white people. 233 00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,946 Look, I got it at a fire sale for 15 cents. 234 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,314 But they're white people. 235 00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:09,082 Look, get a crayon and color them in. 236 00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:11,685 I'm calling the insurance company 237 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,253 before you replace me with a white woman. 238 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,889 Right now, he's praying she doesn't look in the freezer. 239 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:20,027 MR. OMAR: Let me in! 240 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,028 Let me in! 241 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,195 What is it? I've been robbed! 242 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,563 Lord have mercy. 243 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:27,300 They broke into my house and took one of my widows. Mrs. Johnson? 244 00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:30,303 No, man, Mrs. Williams. The redbone. 245 00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:33,941 Do you know how hard it is to find a good redbone? 246 00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:35,676 Well, at least you got your health. 247 00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,978 Oh, that's supposed to be funny? 248 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:41,749 I'm just saying... you can't take it with you. 249 00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:42,983 I thought this place was supposed to be protected. 250 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:46,820 Y'all got bells on your doors, broomsticks on your windows. 251 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:47,921 Where were you? 252 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:48,922 I was home. 253 00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:49,923 And you didn't hear nothing? 254 00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,693 I was busy, you know. 255 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,094 You were busy? 256 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,629 Okay... 257 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:58,198 look, I can't live under these conditions, okay? 258 00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:00,167 If I don't get my redbone back, 259 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,035 I expect a reduction in my rent. 260 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,671 Whoa, whoa, whoa, a reduction in your rent? 261 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:04,705 Did I stutter? 262 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:07,340 And you need to get rid of that dog and get a gun. 263 00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:12,079 Blackie, get out of my chair! 264 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,981 He's guarding it. 265 00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:20,921 Oh, Lord, he done done it now! 266 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,290 All right, now, Chris, this is it. 267 00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:26,393 You got 48 hours to train that dog or he's dog food. 268 00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,095 Dogs aren't used in dog food, 269 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,130 but this wasn't a good time to correct my father. 270 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,104 I loved Blackie, but I'm in trouble. 271 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,306 Blackie, no! Stop! Come back! 272 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:42,042 I didn't know which one was more dangerous: 273 00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,977 Blackie running into the street 274 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,246 or running over to that Puerto Rican fellow. 275 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:48,982 Thanks, man. 276 00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:50,117 Oh, no problem. 277 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,719 It's amazing. 278 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:53,120 Every time I command him, he doesn't do anything. 279 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,688 Sientate. 280 00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,091 Levantate. 281 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,861 I guess he speaks Puerto Rican. 282 00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,062 But I don't. 283 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,164 Well, that's too bad. 284 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,465 Hey, well, you live around here? 285 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,300 I don't live too far. 286 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:08,201 What's your name? 287 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,169 I'm Carlos. 288 00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:10,704 Chris. All right, Chris. 289 00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:12,405 So you think you can teach me some Spanish 290 00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:13,406 so I can train him? 291 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,008 Sure, yeah. 292 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,411 While I was getting help, my parents needed help. 293 00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:22,315 I'm afraid your policy doesn't cover 294 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,116 all of your losses. 295 00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:25,352 What are you talking about 296 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,821 Well, let me make sure I have all the facts first. 297 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,056 Was there any wind damage? 298 00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:29,823 No. 299 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:30,958 Ah. That's too bad 300 00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:32,059 'cause you're covered for that. 301 00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,061 We're covered for wind damage? 302 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,930 Any fire or flood associated with the loss? 303 00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,365 No, we got robbed. 304 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:42,202 Well, then there's not much I can do. 305 00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:45,338 Although, we at Mutual Farms appreciate your business. 306 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:48,375 Their slogan was "You're in white hands with Mutual Farms." 307 00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,843 Wait. What about the meat? 308 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:53,180 I mean, we lost $117.43 worth of meat. 309 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,148 I'm sorry. According to our records, 310 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,084 you opted out of the meat coverage. 311 00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:59,019 At the time, we didn't have any meat to cover. 312 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,153 So let me get this straight. 313 00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,421 You're not paying us for the meat. 314 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:02,923 You're not paying us for the stereo, 315 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,057 but what are we paying you for? 316 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:07,094 Peace of mind. 317 00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:08,161 Peace of mind. 318 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,963 We don't want peace of mind. 319 00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:11,264 We want a piece of furniture. 320 00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,066 I understand that, but... 321 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,367 Look here, mister, 322 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,403 we have been your customers over ten years. 323 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,238 This is our first phone call to you. 324 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,340 And believe me, there have been many other problems. 325 00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:23,076 One time it flooded. 326 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,212 Can we call the insurance company now? 327 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:26,246 No. 328 00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,081 Now we have a swimming pool. 329 00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:31,051 Another time a plane dropped a load. 330 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,821 Can we call the insurance company now? 331 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:37,157 No way. Now we have new luggage. 332 00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:39,426 One time, aliens took over. 333 00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:45,032 Now can I call the insurance company? 334 00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:47,100 No, I've always wanted to go to another planet. 335 00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:49,236 Can't you do something to help? 336 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,204 I'll see what I can do. 337 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,174 Mm, peanut butter? 338 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:59,179 He's lucky she didn't pull away any of his teeth. 339 00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:08,188 Negrito, bajate, sientate. 340 00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:09,322 What did you call him? 341 00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,058 What was that? 342 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,126 Oh, training the dog in Spanish. 343 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,027 Why? 344 00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:16,229 It's part of the attack-dog training. 345 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,498 Like you can only talk to a German Shepherd in German 346 00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,200 or Irish Wolfhound in Irish. 347 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,269 This is a Puerto Rican mutt. 348 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,436 Well, I don't care what he speaks 349 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,138 as long as he stays out of my chair 350 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,306 and you turn him into a killer. 351 00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:27,140 Bueno. 352 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,141 ¿Que? 353 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:29,209 Nada. 354 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:32,079 Drew and Tonya finally settled on an activity 355 00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:34,481 they could both enjoy: prank phone calls. 356 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,083 Do you have pig's feet? 357 00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:37,484 WOMAN: Yes, yes, we do. 358 00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:40,020 Well, if you wear shoes, nobody would notice. 359 00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:44,591 Hello 360 00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:46,126 A Mr. I.P. Freely? 361 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,863 Hi, I'm just confirming 362 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:52,399 that I have a hundred large pieces ordered 363 00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,267 to Mr. Omar's Funeral Home? 364 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:55,335 MAN: I'll check. 365 00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,636 Yes, okay. Thank you. 366 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,305 Tragic. 367 00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,208 WOMAN: 911 emergency. 368 00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:02,442 Help! Help! They're choking me! 369 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,177 Come here, woman! Shut up, girl! 370 00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:06,246 Stay calm, ma'am. Come here! 371 00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:07,480 Hey, hey, get back here! 372 00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:10,317 While Drew and Tonya made crank calls, 373 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,085 the insurance company made the right call. 374 00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:14,087 We got the settlement check from the insurance company! 375 00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:15,222 Let me see! We're going shopping, baby! 376 00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:16,323 We are going shopping! 377 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,591 "$715.13"! 378 00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:21,661 We going shopping! We going shopping! 379 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,297 I didn't just learn Spanish. 380 00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:26,333 I learned about a whole new world, 381 00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:29,202 a world that ironically wasn't too different 382 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,403 than the world I already knew. 383 00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:33,240 There was a Puerto Rican Kill Moves. 384 00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:36,977 There was a Puerto Rican Doc. 385 00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:38,211 ¿Aqui? 386 00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:40,380 There was a Puerto Rican Risky. 387 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:43,016 Ten dollars. 388 00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:45,118 Gracias. Okay. 389 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,123 There was even a Puerto Rican Jerome. 390 00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:51,158 Hey, 391 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,325 papi de otra calle. 392 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:54,161 Let me hold un dollar, papa. 393 00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:56,329 Everything was different, but getting robbed still hurt. 394 00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:59,266 Gracias, hermano. 395 00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:03,370 * I know and you know that if we get together * 396 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,138 Hey, Carlos. 397 00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:09,342 Hey, mamita. 398 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,244 Que lindo es el doggie? 399 00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,345 Cómo se llama? 400 00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:13,580 Tell her his name. 401 00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:15,348 Oh, his name's Blackie. 402 00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,483 Aye, Negrito. 403 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,318 Y tu nombre? 404 00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:19,619 Your name. What's your name? 405 00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,021 Oh, my name's Chris. 406 00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,390 Hola, Chris. I'm Thalia. 407 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,026 This is my amiga Claudia, y my prima Luz. 408 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,528 This dog was magic. Girls liked me. 409 00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:29,662 Pretty Puerto Rican girls! 410 00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,364 How do you know Carlos? 411 00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:32,565 Oh, well, he's teaching me Spanish 412 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,567 so I can train Blackie to be a guard dog. 413 00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:38,305 What's so funny? 414 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,307 Blackie can't be a guard dog. 415 00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:41,174 Why not? 416 00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:44,477 Give me that. Watch this. Watch this. 417 00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:47,647 Blackie, ataca! Ataca! 418 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,349 To y'all that don't speak Spanish, 419 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,051 that means "attack." 420 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:57,290 Miralo. Miralo. 421 00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:59,292 Lassie, go get help. 422 00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:00,994 The Puerto Rican girls are laughing at me. 423 00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:03,096 This dog is a lover, not a fighter. 424 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,432 In fact, Blackie was such a lover, 425 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,201 we have to go to commercial right now. 426 00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:14,041 Man, this is like nothing you ever seen before. 427 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,408 All the girls call me "Papi." 428 00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:16,676 Papi? You're so in there. 429 00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:17,677 ¿Que paso, mami? 430 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,312 Nada mucho, papi. 431 00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:20,380 See? 432 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:21,414 That's so cool. 433 00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:23,250 But aren't you supposed 434 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:25,052 to be teaching Blackie to attack intruders? 435 00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,453 I'm working on it. 436 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,321 This book may help. 437 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:32,159 Turn Your Pup into a Perp: Teaching Dogs to Kill. 438 00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,660 Perfect. 439 00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,364 I was going to do everything I could 440 00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:40,067 to get the attack out of Blackie. 441 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:52,445 * Superhighways, coast to coast * 442 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:56,149 * Easy to get anywhere 443 00:16:56,183 --> 00:17:01,554 * On the transcontinental overload * 444 00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:03,356 * Just slide behind the wheel 445 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:05,258 * How does it feel? 446 00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:07,660 * When there's no destination that's too far * 447 00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,362 Good boy. 448 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:14,434 * And somewhere on the way, you might find out who you are * 449 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:17,137 Blackie couldn't fly if he was a bald eagle. 450 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,438 * I feel good! 451 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:21,508 There was only one more stop in the Blackie training program. 452 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:22,775 Okay, so before we leave, 453 00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,245 he needs to smell all you guys so he knows not to attack you. 454 00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:26,479 Will he attack Mr. Omar? 455 00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:28,148 Oh, oh! 456 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,449 Mr. Omar! 457 00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:32,319 Okay, so this is my sister Tonya right here. 458 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,587 And this is my brother Drew. 459 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:38,658 Okay, this is my mom Rochelle right here. 460 00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:39,592 Okay, okay, okay. 461 00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:41,428 Chris, hurry up so I can get to the store 462 00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:42,862 before all the good stuff is gone. 463 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:46,133 And this is my father Julius. 464 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,200 Hey! 465 00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:50,537 And this is Mr. Omar, my neighbor. 466 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:51,504 And what is that? 467 00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:54,874 Uh, these belong to some of my lady friends. 468 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,743 I just want to make sure they're safe. 469 00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,645 The only dog they have to worry about is you. 470 00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:01,148 Come on, y'all. 471 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:04,317 You like that red... 472 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,486 I figured even if Blackie wasn't a killer, 473 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:07,754 what difference did it make? 474 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:10,290 We'd already been robbed twice. 475 00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:11,858 What were the chances it would happen again? 476 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,529 They broke in again?! 477 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:18,198 Everybody get back! 478 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,568 Let me go first in case they're still inside. 479 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,703 Hey, give me something to use as a weapon. 480 00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:27,407 Hey, I got a gun! 481 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,510 Yeah, it just looks like a frying pan. 482 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,448 They took my bells?! 483 00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:36,616 JULIUS: Come on in! 484 00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:38,851 I cannot believe this! 485 00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,553 Wonder what they took this time. 486 00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:42,422 Hey, at least they didn't take the TV Digest. 487 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,657 It doesn't look like anything is missing. 488 00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:45,858 Maybe Blackie scared 'em off. 489 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,228 I don't think so. 490 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:49,329 Blackie's gone. 491 00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:50,897 They stole Blackie? 492 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:53,600 I love having a dog, 493 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,669 and losing Blackie made me really depressed. 494 00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:59,906 Plus, having the Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Sounder, 495 00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,275 Turner and Hooch marathon on TV didn't help. 496 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,277 Move, boy. 497 00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,312 Who is it?! 498 00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:06,779 Police! 499 00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,916 Is this about the robbery? 500 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,685 No, our emergency operators traced 501 00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:13,720 several prank phone calls 502 00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:14,821 back to this number. 503 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,456 ROCHELLE: Prank phone calls? 504 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,592 Yes. Calls to I.P. Freely, pizza orders 505 00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:20,793 and finally, a distress call 506 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,529 that a woman was getting choked to death. 507 00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:24,931 That's not even funny. I don't get it. 508 00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,433 It's absurdist. You're not supposed to. 509 00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:27,700 Chris, do you know anything about this? 510 00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:28,701 No. 511 00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:30,603 Drew? What? 512 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,605 Tonya? Huh? 513 00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:35,408 Do y'all know anything about this? 514 00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:36,909 About what? About what? 515 00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:39,379 About what? 516 00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:41,614 I'm sorry, officer. 517 00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,583 This won't happen again. Trust me. 518 00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:48,455 So y'all like getting choked, huh? 519 00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,324 Oh, you better run. 520 00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,560 You better run as fast as you can. 521 00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:57,630 I thought I'd never see Blackie again. 522 00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:00,533 Blackie, comóestás? How are you? 523 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,902 And he thought he'd never seen me before. 524 00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:05,638 Blackie, remember, it's me, Chris, tu amigo? 525 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,477 Hey, daddy, calm down. 526 00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:14,981 Daddy, calm down. 527 00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:17,850 No, no, no! 528 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:24,524 *Everyone hates Chris. * 529 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:33,933 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org